Recovery Blues
Date: 8/15/24	Mood: Depressed
Listening To: Nothing

It's been way too long since I've updated this. Everyone reading this probably already knows, but last month I ended up in the hospital for emergency surgery to remove half my colon for what turned out to be cancer. I'm fine, right now. Two weeks into recovering at home, after a two week hospital stay. I have a very large midline incision that's slowly healing, covered by a wound vac, and an ileostomy that I can't wait to get reversed at some point in the future (still not sure when, haven't talked to the surgeon about that timetable yet).

I don't really want to go on forever about the specifics of my problems, but more just to say it's really derailed my summer and probably the next year of my life (if not more). I know I got lucky in terms of catching it and all, but every aspect of this past month has just been exhausting and tedious and difficult. I'm not in a lot of pain, but I'm in a lot of discomfort. There's not much I can do other than take care of myself, try to sleep normally and eat okay, and wait for my body to heal.

Because my energy levels are low and I'm never especially comfortable, I just kind of drift between things I find it hard to focus on. Motivation is bad, I mostly just drift around the empty apartment all day, and feel lonely and exhausted waiting for things to get better. I'm not good at patience even when I'm feeling good, but this kind of patience has really just eroded my morale and I feel increasingly sad and frustrated. I'm doing my best to try to keep myself motivated, doing podcasts as my energy allows and stuff, but it's just really hard and everyone is busy and I don't even make good company right now, so it's just a bad situation all around.

Which is to say I don't know when things will turn around, so bear with me if this doesn't get updated very much in the next little while. I haven't forgotten about it, but I also don't want to just make it a place to complain in. I have two more weeks of home rest before I go back to work, and tons of doctors appointments ahead of me still, and all the hospital bills have only begun to start trickling in, so I really need to fight to keep my spirits up. But I felt I should check in, and at least acknowledge that I'm really struggling right now both physically and mentally, and it sucks because I don't think there's anything to do but endure it as best I can.

I still want to thank everyone who's donated to the gofundme or offered words of encouragement. It's been a big help. I'm sure I'll need more help both materially and emotionally before it's all over, and I feel bad about that when everyone is struggling, but I'm glad so many people care about me also. I miss feeling normal, and feeling like I'm giving something to people with my work, and just thriving as a person. I really want to get that feeling back.

Anyway, that's all I've got. Sorry for the shortness of this one, I just wanted to kind of journal my thoughts down where I'm at right now. It sucks. It feels ungrateful. I feel needy and annoying, especially since all I can do is kind of amble around the apartment and barely take care of myself. I know it'll get better, but it's still very hard. Thanks for listening to me unburden myself a bit. Sorry for the selfishness about it. Next time I'll try to have something better.